This was a piece also written for Bradford Zine – Claptrap which you should all get involved with.

It’s a bit rude and probably pretty pointless, but it was fun.

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Oh! Joyous fanfare to a new year! Nay! A new decade!
It’s the time of year for wild hyperbole, for ‘Next Big Things’ and ‘Upcoming Stars’.
As our big label A + R masters wake from their Christmas slumbers, bleary eyed and pissed off about the way this lengthy cold snap has affected their personal supplies of ‘snow’ they stare out into the stagnant, icy high streets and wonder; WHO WILL SAVE US FROM OBLIVION?
Well do not fear. For the BBC, the NME and the plentiful blogs of cyberspace are only a phone call away. They will create such a force of musical Mystic Meg clairvoyance that record label coffers will be full in no time. The BBC Sound of 2010 is top of the pile. A big brown nosed, golden shower of praise and merriment. Don’t give me that ‘it’s good for the music’ bullshit. Like vultures picking at vomit to feed their squawking little chicks, this is desperate dollar grabbing. A self fulfilling prophecy of cash, with barely any thought for actual, you know, musical talent. Still, someone’s got to pay those music journalists / talent scouts wages and help the self-perpetuating circle of futurology, so I’ve concocted a handy guide to six of the top picks which will help you seem like your finger is on the pulse (clue, it’s just past the perineum) without actually having to listen to any of these god awful people. Let the cynicism commence!

Daisy Dares You

THE NEXT – Avril Lavigne / Katy Perry / Lilly Allen
SUITABLE ADJECTIVE – Feisty / Sexy / Essexy
RECORD COMPANY LINE – Bubblegum pop for young independent women! And also their slightly perverted dads! Who will inevitably buy all the crap we chuck at them and their daughters!
REALITY – Shit, but so was I when I tried writing songs at 15. It’s the simultaneous celebration of ‘look how young she is’ with ‘look how sexy we’ve made her look holding a guitar’ in the press releases that is most worrying. She also has loads of over sized, cumbersome photos of her ‘idols’ on her myspace, pitching Nick Drake next to… Mr Hudson. Not cool. Plus, it’s patronizing, all my 15 year old female friends hated Avril and listened to System of a Down and Blondie. They would have ripped the piss out of this crap, crying, “Don’t let them cash in on your adolescence!”
WEIRD QUOTE – old music blog bloke on guardian.co.uk ‘gorgeous looks and a sure-fire hit single’ followed by ‘She’s only 15 and is studying for her GCSEs at school’
INTERESTING FACT – DDY is also a ‘famous’ Counter Strike clan (online game with lots of shooting) and can stand for Don’t Defeat Yourself, which is advice this young gal might need to heed.

Delphic

THE NEXT – Friendly Fires / Hot Chip / Tom Vek (remember him?!)
SUITABLE ADJECTIVE – Euphoric, glitchy… erm Euphoric.
RECORD COMPANY LINE – Imagine melding dance and indie… together! We can advertise in both Mixmag AND NME, winner!
REALITY – Pretty dull really. Listenable, but dull. Friendly fires made a whole album of pop songs that indie kids could like, these guys haven’t. Even the remixes are rubbish.
INTERESTING QUOTE – ‘We used to listen to Doves and Radiohead but we also used to listen to the Chemical Brothers.’ Music is maths people, just get a + and a = and you are ready.
WEIRD FACT – These guys are from Manchester, which is a considerable distance north of London. Crazy.

Marina and the Diamonds

THE NEXT – Florence and the Machine, Lady Gaga, Kate Bush (apparently!)
SUITABLE ADJECTIVE – Kooky, Kooky, Kooky.
RECORD COMPANY LINE – She’s so damn kooky! How can you resist!?
REALITY – One of those lime-light lovers who makes A + R guys confuse desperation with hard graft and faint arousal (they are always men…) with an enjoyable listening experience. Dead-eyed theatrics without any decent songs.
INTERESTING QUOTE – ‘I’ve always been mainly a dancer’, really? Is that why you try so hard to cover up your clear lack of singing ability with loads of KOOKY vocal ticks and inane lyrics about getting ‘confused with shakira’. Shakira is great. You are not.
ANOTHER INTERESTING QUOTE –
‘once people hate me, I will feel fine with myself. Because that’s my biggest fear’
…fear not Marina, fear not.

Hurts

THE NEXT – Big Pink, Gary Numan, Ultravox
SUITABLE ADJECTIVE – Moody, Enigmatic
RECORD COMPANY LINE – People are bored of female 80’s regurgitation, let’s bring in the boys!
REALITY – I was actually, genuinely moved by how totally fucking abysmal this is. I thought that Hurts (crap name too) might actually be alright. Turns out they sound like a discarded Backstreet Boys B-Side, or a comedy song from the wonderful ‘Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace’. Let’s hope they take ‘enigmatic’ to the next level and actually disappear, or accidentally impale each other on their sharp, sharp cheekbones.
WEIRD QUOTE – ‘Pop music is part escapism, but it’s also part rejoicing in reality. It’s that moment of rapture – it’s quite exciting to think about going from black to white instantly.’ Look where it got Micheal Jackson boys, that’s all I’ll say.
INTERESTING FACT – http://www.graffitihurts.org/ is a site dedicated to the hurtful nature of graffiti, it’s really funny. Graffiting the band Hurts is also something I would really like to do; with various obscenities of course.

ELLIE GOULDING

THE NEXT – La Roux, Imogen Heap, Ladyhawke
SUITABLE ADJECTIVE – Breathy, Folky YET Synthy.
RECORD COMPANY LINE – La Roux was some acoustic singer with a strange voice until she got electronically enhanced by some clever, ugly bloke with a music tech A level and gelled her hair up… and the first rule of the music industry is – Repetition!
REALITY – Ok, so Ellie Goulding wins the BBC poll, joining such luminaries as 50 Cent (2003), Keane (2004) , The Bravery (2005) and Mika (2007). What a dinner party that would be. I can’t really hate her. Sorry about that. She’s a bit posh and likes going to the gym, always worrying when pitched as a defining characteristic; but there is something undeniably nice about her voice. Clearly this has been noticed by people like producer Finn Starsmith, electro chap Frankmusik and dubstep remixer Pariah, who’ve all dabbled. The songs are not as strong as La Roux’s, the voice not as impressive as Florence Welch’s, but still, she seems at least 60% nicer and better than the rest of the people I’ve dissected in this piece. Statistics make fact, comparisons strengthen fact, and so we have our winner. Just don’t pretend she’s making ‘folktronica’.
INTERESTING FACT – Her new drummer used to be in I Was A Cub Scout, who are like a much better, albeit defunct, version of what she is trying to do.
TRUE STORY OF CAUTION – Earlier this year I was forced to sit opposite the sound of 2009 winner, Little Boots, on a train to Leeds. She looked deeply unhappy, staring into an insistent Iphone and ringing people repeatedly to complain about taxis. She spent most of the Journey applying make up and fiddling with the various sequined ponchos in her bag. Don’t assume happiness Ellie Goulding, who knows where you’ll be when they announce next year’s ‘winner’.

The Drums

THE NEXT – MGMT, Beach Boys (oh please…)
SUITABLE ADJECTIVE – Beachy.
RECORD COMPANY LINE – The Strokes always looked like a manufactured boy band but refused to sound like one… if only we could bridge that gap…
REALITY – Ok so ‘Let’s go Surfing’ has a certain bop to it, plus nice use of whistles. But scratch behind that SURFace (sorry) and these guys are really bad. The more you listen, the more everything sounds absolutely horrible. That nasal, banal voice (hidden behind reverb pinched off Brian Wilson for associated greatness), the tinny drums, meaningless driveling lyrics, complete lack of musicality masquerading as proud simplicity; it’s the equivalent of getting a Technicolor postcard from the seaside that’s completely blank where the message should be. It will be weird to see these guys tank when everyone realizes they don’t have any good songs, considering they just secured an NME front cover and various vested interests will be set to gain from their apparently ensured success. Safe to say, NME Editor Krissi Murison was one of the BBC Sound of 2010 panel, it’s really quite amazing how quickly her powers of prediction came to fruition no?
PROPHETIC QUOTE – The Drums describe their music as – “A sense of enthusiasm followed by the ultimate sadness.” Now that, in terms of their career, is a prediction I can back.
ANNOYING QUOTE – ‘That’s really our biggest passion – pop songs and reaching that perfect pop moment.’ Once upon a time it felt somewhat exciting for a ‘Rock’ band to admit pop sensibilities, recently though it just seems assumed.
There’s the challenge kids.
Go make music that ISN’T POP.